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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28384800">Follow the leader</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Batteryafter/pseuds/Batteryafter'>Batteryafter</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Thanatos [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Blood, Mental Breakdown, Other, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-11 01:20:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,455</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28384800</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Batteryafter/pseuds/Batteryafter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
      <p>This is just a vent fic so i dont have a breakdown. There are graphic depictions of self harm, suicide attempt, and suicide but archive wouldn't let me tag that on mobile.</p>
    </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Thanatos [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2239449</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Follow the leader</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is just a vent fic so i dont have a breakdown. There are graphic depictions of self harm, suicide attempt, and suicide but archive wouldn't let me tag that on mobile.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chan stares at himself in the mirror, at his baggy, red, puffy eyes. He's tired of sneaking away and breaking down every night. He's tired of the fact no one has ever checked on him. He's tired of himself. </p><p>He rolls the leg of his pants down and shoves his box cutter back into his phone case. The cuts are shallow enough that he doesn't worry about cleaning them or if they will bleed through. He just wanted the release again. </p><p>Before the others do actually notice him missing from the couch, he dries his eyes and splashes his face with cold water. He makes his way back out, shuffling himself into the nearest corner. </p><p>"Hyung-" his head pops up, staring over to Seungmin. The boy pouts, cradling a bowl of popcorn on his arms. "Are you okay? You look sick.." </p><p>"Ah. Don't worry about me. I think it's just allergies. I took some medicine already." The lies are getting easier and easier by the day. </p><p>He smiles, although poorly, grabbing for his can of soda from the table. His hands tremble enough for another boy to notice. Felix squints his eyes at him but assumes they can talk when they get into their bedroom. His eyes stay focused on Chan, unable to wipe away the strange feeling that something’s wrong. </p><p>Chan knows there are eyes on him but he tries his best to fake his leaderly positivity as much as possible. It isn't until Changbin goes to bed that the others begin to follow suit. Felix doesn't move from the couch, eyes stuck to the floor, deep in thought. Something’s wrong. For the past week, Chan goes to the bathroom at 9pm and doesn't come out for an hour. When he does, his face is red and he sniffles like crazy. Then he sits silently, only speaking to wish the others a good night's sleep. </p><p>"Hey." Felix closes the door to their room and whispers to his best friend. "Are you okay?" </p><p>"Wish people would stop asking me that." Chan mumbles. He glares up to Felix, his face ghostly and his lips dried. "I just want a break." </p><p>Felix furrows his brow, sitting heavily on his own mattress. He scans Chan's arms, not seeing any new marks–thank god. "Our break started already."</p><p>The group finished all their comeback work and were granted a break of 2 months after the maknae started experiencing night terrors and panic attacks. </p><p><em>How thoughtful..</em> Chan sneered to himself when the manager informed the group of their hiatus. <em>Because everyone knows it only takes 2 months of doing nothing to get over a mental illness..</em></p><p>"Not that kind of break." Chan's words weigh Felix's chest. "I want a break from life." </p><p>He's been trying so hard not to have a full breakdown for months–technically years. But for some reason, tonight he lets his tears fall. His sobs hiccup out. And Felix just holds him. He keeps his arms tightly wrapped around Chan's body, letting him stain his shirt. Chsn tries so hard to muffle himself so no one else hears. </p><p>This isn't the first time Felix has seen him break down but it has been a very long time. When they first moved into the dorm, the boy had gotten severely homesick and cried for hours. Felix stayed up all night with him, talking about Australia. Asking questions helped distract the boy, made him think to give Felix genuine answers. </p><p>"Do you want to take a trip home?" Felix thickens his accent in hopes to make the other at least crack a smile. </p><p>And it does. But it doesn't last. Chan looks up to him and blinks his eyes clear. "I think I just want to sleep, right now." </p><p>Felix nods and moves to turn the light off. He pushes out to the hallway and to the bathroom. Changbin greets him halfway, allowing Felix to go first since he knows he's just taking his medicine. Felix takes his sleep aid and yawns, ready to cuddle under his nice warm blankets and sleep. </p><p>But as soon as he hits the pillow. He hears Chan sniffling beside him. Chan tries to keep quiet, hoping that even if Felix hears him that the younger will ignore it. And as much as Felix wants to comfort him, his medicine takes over and he feathers into sleep. </p><p>He wakes up, stretching dramatically as always before rolling off the bed. The other mattress is empty but that's not surprising. Chan always wakes up first between the two. </p><p>Felix stumbles into the living room but doesn't see Chan. He walks up to Minho, who sits at the table and watches YouTube on his laptop. </p><p>"Did Chan go out?" Felix rubs his eyes, trying to shake the grogginess his medicine always makes him feel in the morning. </p><p>"He hasn't woken up yet." Minho pauses the video and turns to Felix with a confused look on his face. "Right?"</p><p>Felix tilts his head, knowing Chan's bed was empty and even the closet door was cracked open so the boy must have gotten dressed and left. </p><p>"He went and got coffee for everyone." The two look as Changbin steps from his room. "He just texted me." </p><p>Felix lets out a sigh of relief, hoping the others didn't notice his anxiety. He trudges back to the room and changes. </p><p>By the time he comes out, Chan is back. Chan smiles as he hands each member their respective drinks. He even got everyone breakfast. Except for himself. Seungmin hugs his leader, causing him to stiffen a bit. It's not that the younger isn't affectionate. It's that Chan wasn't expecting the touch. </p><p>Seungmin pouts and stares up with glossy eyes, thinking he did something wrong. Chan looks down with a warming smile, petting the top of the boy's head. </p><p>"Alright. I'm going to be in the room." Chan's voice is tired, like he had been screaming the whole time he was out. "I'm–gonna work on some things." </p><p>For some reason, Felix wants to beg Chan to stay and eat breakfast but by the time he finishes his thought, his leader is down the hall. </p><p>The boy stays in the room the entire day, his music just loud enough to muffle through the hallway. Hyunjin was sent a few times to check on the leader. Every time, he was sitting at his desk. Doing exactly what he said he would be. </p><p>Finally, dinner time comes and Chan still hasn't come out. Felix makes the boy a plate, loading it up to make sure Chan actually gets enough food today. It's been so hard to get Chan to eat anything these past few days.</p><p>He knocks gently on their door so as to not startle Chan before entering. His brows furrow, expecting to see him at the desk, but instead he's standing in the closet. </p><p>It's not until he sees the note on the desk that he realizes Chan isn't standing. The plate falls to the floor, cracking on impact. Felix lets out a deafening scream as he scrambles to Chan. </p><p>Within seconds, the room is filled with the other members. Felix wraps his arms around Chan's body and pulls him up, ignoring the twinge in his back. He cries out, digging his face in Chan's unmoving chest as Changbin unties the makeshift noose at the top of the bar. </p><p>Jisung ushers Seungmin and Jeongin out, the two in hysterics. As much as Jisung wants to break down, he wants to stay strong for the younger boys. But seeing Jeongin's tear stained face makes him nearly lose it.</p><p>Felix is inconsolable as he drops Chan down on the floor, pressing his ear to his chest. His body is still warm and though it's faint, there is a heartbeat. Despite being something that should relieve Felix, he cries harder. Then he notices the blood. </p><p>A harsh gasp leaves the back of his throat. Chan's wrist is a mangled mess of drying blood and cuts. The floor is stained a dark red where the boy was hanging. He..really wanted to die..</p><p>Changbin makes a call while Felix frantically pushes at Chan's chest. </p><p>How could he do this to us..why..how long has he been hiding this..how have we been so fucking blind..</p><p>Minho and Hyunjin pull Felix away as paramedics rush into the room. The boy's legs give out, nearly sending him to the floor. He can't lose Chan. He can't lose his leader. He can't lose his best friend. </p><p>Hyunjin walks back in and spots the letter on the desk. That's what he was working on. And Hyunjin didn't even notice. His hands tremble violently as he grabs for it. He pauses–he is holding his leaders suicide note. It makes it too..real. </p><p>
  <em>I'm sorry guys. You always meant the world to me. But I failed being your hyung, your leader. I failed myself. I'll always be a failure. No one likes me, every step I take seems to the wrong one. I've thought about this for a long time so don't think I'm being impulsive. Please don’t hurt yourselves over me. It's not worth it. You deserve so</em>
</p><p>He didn't even finish it.. Hyunjin feels bile rise in the back of his throat. He didn't even fucking finish the note before giving up. He wanted to leave that badly..</p><p>Down the hall, Felix kicks and screams, Minho wrapping his arms around him, causing the two to fall on the floor. These screams will forever haunt Minho. The pale, lethargic body of his leader lying on the ground will surely give him nightmares.</p><p>*</p><p>Chan sits at his desk, staring at the blank paper in front of him. When he does try to write, his tears stain the page. Every hour, Hyunjin checks on him, until around 5. He finally gets peace to start writing. </p><p>He is able to pull the razor from his hiding spot and place it to his wrist. His stomach twists and he chokes back a sob. The cuts are just to help him release something extra..to straighten his thoughts. Originally, he just wanted to slit his wrists and down a bottle of pills but he wasn't sure if it'd be enough. But maybe some blood loss will help him go a bit quicker..that and nabbing two of Felix's sleeping pills to make him as weak as possible.</p><p>His heart jumps to his throat and he scrambles to hide his wounds under the desk as the door opens. Hyunjin pokes his head in, but instead of leaving satisfied, he freezes. The boy didn't expect Chan to flinch back so hard. </p><p>"I'm sorry.." Hyunjin mumbles. "Are you okay?" </p><p>Chan sighs and lets out a frustrated growl. "Yes, I'm fucking fine. Stop checking on me. I've told you 4 fucking times."</p><p>The younger is hit hard by his words, never really being scolded by his leader before. He doesn't know what to do so he just closes the door and walks away. </p><p>Chan drops his head and lets a few more tears fall, staring at the half written note. He can't do anything right. He can't even finish his fucking suicide letter. </p><p>His hands slam against the desk and he stands. The room sways around him as he stumbles to the closet. He didn't realize his cuts were deep enough to make him this dizzy. They still aren't deep enough to do the job..but they haven't stopped bleeding, his hand covered in a thin layer of blood. Deep enough to reach a vein that he for some reason didn't open. Or at least, maybe that's the case. He's too tired to really tell. Maybe with his amount of blood, he did go too deep on one.</p><p>He searches through his clothes, finding the tie he purposely kept towards the top of his laundry. Thankfully for him, the bar to the closet is high enough that he won't struggle too much. It won't be enough to snap his neck but he will be out soon enough. He already tested to make sure it held his body weight. </p><p>His hands shake as he ties the thicker end to the bar. He doesn't really think about what he's doing until the thinner end is tightly around his neck. The reality of the situation is finally setting in. But instead of scaring him, he is calmed by the thought. He can finally take the break he's wanted for years. </p><p>It's not that he hates what he does, the group is his life. But it seems like no matter how hard he tries, he isn't good enough. He has poured his heart out to everyone and all he gets back is more fire. Fire that fuels him to be standing here, ready to drop his stance. </p><p>He takes one last breath before letting himself fall. His head tightens from the loss of oxygen but he doesn't struggle. Instead, he closes his eyes and watches the stars form in the darkness. </p><p>He thought this would be quicker but since he couldn't use gravity to make things instant, it makes sense. But his ears are ringing and he is losing consciousness. He just hopes he will be gone before someone finds him. </p><p>*</p><p>The room in the ER is filled with crying boys, not because they lost their hyung–but because he is alive. The moment Felix saw him, his knees buckled and he dropped to the floor. Now he lays on the bed, curled against his best friend’s sleeping body. </p><p>At first, Minho wanted to stop him but in reality, he wishes he could do the same. He's so happy  Chan is alive. He wouldn't be able to handle being the oldest. Everything he's learned came from Chan. The boy is the best at giving advice and pep talks. But he can't get that right now. The one person who kept him from burning buildings is lying in a hospital bed, a broken shell of what he used to be. </p><p>Their manager forces the boys to go back to the dorm but Felix refuses to move. For the first time, he snaps at his authority, screaming to be left alone. The man doesn't get angry, he simply nods and tells the boy to call if he needs anything. </p><p>Chan doesn't wake up until the next day. He isn't 100% sure what is happening but he knows he's alive. He can't even kill himself..</p><p>He is thrown from his daze once he hears sobs. His eyes travel to his side, seeing Felix tightly gripping the blanket and muffling his cries into it. </p><p>"Please.." Felix grabs his hand, gripping it tightly. "Don't leave me, again." </p><p>"Lix–" Chan's words are choked, his throat dry from the amount of oxygen used to keep him breathing. </p><p>"Chris.." he lets out a deep growl. "Fucking promise me." </p><p>Chan wants to comfort his best friend but he can't make that promise. It probably won't be long before he tries again. Once everyone stops paying attention to him, stops asking if he's okay. </p><p>"Promise me!" Felix sobs again, controlling himself from beating at Chan's body. </p><p>"No." </p><p>Felix straightens himself, his glare piercing through Chan. "Now isn't the time to put on your bullshit acts." He wants to give authority with his words but instead it comes out as a shaky mess. "I can't lose you." </p><p>"And I can't promise anything." </p><p>*</p><p>It's been a week since Chan came home. Their hiatus was extended indefinitely. The members try to keep Chan away from online comments but every so often they read the most encouraging ones to cheer him up. It helps to remind him that he is worth the world to so many people.</p><p>Felix waits for him to fall asleep before taking his meds every night. Changbin moved into their room to keep a better eye on the two, knowing Felix has stopped taking care of himself as well. </p><p>Chan wishes this hadn't made the news. That he didn't have to see the aftermath. Or see the fear behind everyone's eyes when he goes to bed early or even to the bathroom. </p><p>Thankfully for Chan, they forgot to take his blade away. So every time he showers, he is able to mark his thighs more. Felix caught him once but instead of his best friend scolding him, he was ignored. </p><p>He's definitely not okay. It will be a long time before he's anywhere near okay. If he even makes it that long. But he knows how to lie to a therapist to make him seem like he's back to normal. He doesn't want to take pills to control his mind. He doesn't want to heal. He will try again. </p><p>*<br/>
Today is Felix's birthday and the only gift he really cares for is Chan sitting right beside him. Chan knows this and oddly– he finds it comforting. He doesn't have a single bad thought and it's nice. </p><p>He even called Jaehyung to wish him a happy birthday. Something his sunbae was extremely grateful for. </p><p>The night is filled with celebration. But Chan notices Felix becoming more and more exhausted as time goes on. He recognizes the look of tiredness as mental rather than physical. </p><p>It isn't just tonight either. Since Chan's been home, he's noticed how reserved Felix has gotten. He's pretty sure he heard him throwing up last night but assumed he heard wrong. </p><p>Around midnight, everyone goes to bed. Felix goes to take his medicine, walking straight to the room after. Changbin has just changed into his pajamas. Chan enters and stares at Felix. </p><p>"Bin, can Felix and I talk for a second?" Chan looks over, Changbin knowing it's not really a question but more of a command. </p><p>Once the door closes, Felix collapses on his bed. He tugs his hoodie off his body and Chan's heart drops. His eyes scan his friend's forearm, seeing familiar looking marks across them. Felix stares at his feet, waiting for Chan to speak. </p><p>"Why.." Chan's voice wavers. "Why did you cut?" </p><p>A rush goes to Felix's head and he blinks hard to keep from passing out. "It helps me sleep. Otherwise.." he hesitates, his body numbing, "I see your hanging body when I close my eyes." </p><p>Chan shivers, rushing to Felix, wrapping his arms around him. Instead of Felix crying, he sits emotionlessly. He doesn't break down, doesn't pull away. Just stares at the floor. </p><p>"Give me your blade." Chan demands.</p><p>The younger scoffs, finally moving his gaze up to his leader. "Give me yours." </p><p>"It doesn't work that way." </p><p>Felix blinks hard to keep himself awake. "Then let's just go to sleep." </p><p>Chan invites Changbin back inside. Everyone is completely silent as they ready themselves for bed. Felix falls asleep first, forgetting to cover his body with his blanket. No, not forgetting–not caring to.</p><p>The next morning, Chan is woken up by Changbin in a panic. The leader jumps out of bed, scrambling over to his side. </p><p>"Felix?" Changbin shakes at the younger boy's shoulder. "Wake up, Felix!" His voice whines out as he fears the worst. When he had woken up first, he saw the marks on Felix's arm and was concerned. Then he noticed how still the boy was. "Please–fucking please!" </p><p>The room warps around Chan and he stumbles forward, dropping to his knees beside Felix's bed.<br/>
He rolls the boy on his back and cradles his pale and warm but not warm enough cheek. His skin is slicked with sweat but his lips are chapped and cracked. </p><p>"Shit.." Chan scrambles to find a pulse, somewhere..anywhere..He looks up to Changbin, who's eyes have turned red and swollen. "Did–did he..Check his meds.." </p><p>Changbin runs out and dashes to the bathroom, frantically slamming into the wall with every step. He doesn't have to open the bottle that was refilled yesterday to know it's completely empty. </p><p>Minho and Hyunjin stumble over to him, questioning his erratic behavior. </p><p>"Felix–" is all he can say before sprinting back to his room. </p><p>The two look to each other before running after. They watch as their leader cries into their member's chest. </p><p>Chan suddenly realizes why Felix has been so quiet lately. Why he didn't fight. Why he didn't eat as much anymore. He was imitating Chan. </p><p>He saw the worst thing possible and it destroyed him. And Chan didn't help him. Chan was too selfish to pay closer attention. This is all his fault. Why couldn't he just say he'd keep his promise?  And now Felix won't fucking wake up. </p><p>His vision blackens and his body lightens. Hyunjin tries to catch him but his shoulder hits the floor hard, passing out before impact. </p><p>*<br/>
Chan wakes up to a near empty dorm. The only other person is sitting beside him, rubbing his back to not only soothe Chan but to soothe himself. </p><p>Minho jumps back as Chan throws his body up. The two stare at each other, both visibly shaking. </p><p>"Felix.." Chan gasps out. </p><p>"I don't know yet." Minho can only whisper. "I'm still waiting to hear back." </p><p>Minho thought almost losing his leader was bad but possibly losing his younger member is a complete nightmare. He thought his own depression was getting worse but never expected Felix to do something so drastic. </p><p>The wait is agony. Both of them pray they are actually sleeping and will wake up to Felix groggily greeting them, asking one of them to make him breakfast.</p><p>Any time Minho makes a sudden movement, Chan grabs him, begging the boy not to leave. </p><p>The phone sitting between them rings. Minho grabs it with lightning speed, nearly breaking his screen with how hard he presses the answer button. All he hears are sobs on the other end. He hears Seungmin screaming. Then he hears the maknae's weak voice. </p><p>Chan watches as Minho lets out dry, choked gasps for air. The younger drops the phone, not even bothering to hang up. </p><p>"No, god." Chan chops. "Please.."</p><p>Minho grabs Chan, pulling him forward by his shirt. He shakes his leader, screaming, letting his tears stain his cheeks. </p><p>"This is all your fault!" He pushes at Chan's chest. "You fucking selfish piece of shit!" </p><p>As much as it pains Chan, he wraps his arms around Minho, trying his best to calm him down. But he's right. This is his fault. He is selfish. He–killed Felix. </p><p>Minho continues to scream and sob in Chan's arms. Chan wishes he could stop his violent tremors but he can't. He just lost his best friend. The person he was closest. Because he couldn't make a simple fucking promise.</p><p>How can he keep his promise now? He is losing everything. There's no way the group can stay together. There's no way they will be able to pretend they aren't missing a valuable member. </p><p>There's no way Chan won't try again. </p><p>As he holds Minho, he spots the envelope tucked underneath Felix's pillow. If Chan couldn't even finish his own note, he sure as hell can't read Felix's. </p><p>*</p><p>"Chan, hyung?" Minho sniffles as he walks into his leader's room. "I'm sorry." </p><p>It's been 3 weeks since the funeral. It was held back in Australia but all the members went down to attend. No one expected the amount of pain it truly would cause. Chan's pretty sure he didn't breathe at all during the whole service. He saw his maknae cry for the third time since they've known each other. </p><p>He doesn't want to look up at Minho because if he did, Minho would know he's been crying. "For what?"</p><p>"It wasn't your fault. I was just–just angry." His words are shaky as well as his hands. This has been weighing on him since the moment he said it. But he was always afraid to mention it again. "You're not selfish." </p><p>"No, I know it was my fault." Chan wipes his tears away and gestures for Minho to sit on the bed. "I've been thinking about it for a while. This wouldn't have happened if I just got help. He wanted me to promise I wouldn't try to hurt myself again and I refused. I broke him." </p><p>Minho twitches, fidgeting with his thumbs. "Can you promise me, instead?" He doesn't want to cry again. He has been for a month and needs a break from the headaches. "I don't want to lose you again and I don't want to–" he cuts himself off, catching Chan's attention even more. "–to relapse." </p><p>"When did you.." </p><p>"The night you went to the hospital." </p><p>Chan drops his head and buries his forehead in his palm. "Is anyone else hurting themselves?" He scoffs at himself. "Anyone else fucking following after their useless leader?" </p><p>"Seungmin stopped eating." Minho clears his throat. "I think Hyunjin cut but when I asked about it, he just ignored me." </p><p>"Would you blame me if I didn't keep the promise?" </p><p>"I think I'd follow suit." </p><p>Minho blinks tiredly, wondering if it was a mistake not jumping from the bridge when he took a walk last night. He just wishes he wasn't in pain anymore. He wishes he didn't have to see everyone else in pain anymore. He wishes Chan didn't try to kill himself last month. Then they wouldn't be in such a hopeless place. </p><p>"If I keep my promise?" Chan mumbles.</p><p>"I'll make sure none of us hurt ourselves again." Minho clenches his jaw.</p><p>"I promise." </p><p>*</p><p>Promise he did. And Minho kept his promise. In front of Chan, Minho and Hyunjin got rid of their box cutter blades–Chan doing the same for them. They are slowly getting Seungmin to eat more but the young boy had the most trouble. At first he refused and ended up in the hospital for 2 days. But after seeing the scared and tired looks on his member's faces it snapped him back to reality. </p><p>Things are slowly getting better..no one promises that they will be okay. But they are better. They decide to stay together but aren't ready to start working again. </p><p>They aren't hopeful for their future but they know they will at least make it. They will stay alive longer than they expected. </p><p>It doesn't take long before Minho finds himself scratching when he gets stressed. Seungmin and Jeongin both only eat once a day. Hyunjin stopped going to therapy. Chan was forced into inpatient after a severe breakdown. Changbin and Jisung fight every night about the smallest things. </p><p>It seems things are falling apart again. But they still promise each other not to leave. They still promise they will wake up the next morning. They promise to get better once again. Until next time.</p>
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